You know, a lot of the times it seems to me that the military has ZERO common sense. In a world where people are put into leadership positions “just because they’ve been in longer than you”, there isn’t a lot of room for something like common sense.
However, a lot of life’s problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its application of common sense. I heard these earlier:
1. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
2. “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
(Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance ).
3. “Aim towards the Enemy.”
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)
4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)
5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)
8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)
11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)
12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
13. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)
14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
17. Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)
19. Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)
21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly.
22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
23. Knowing is half the battle…..The other half is violence.
24. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)
Bubba Joe’s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba’s sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:
“If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.”
“If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.”
“Now… Which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into combat first?”
A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again the Professor taunted God, saying, “Here I am, God! I’m still waiting!”
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face. The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.
At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent… waiting.
Eventually, the Professor came to. When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row. “What’s the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?”
The Marine smiled. “God was busy. He sent me.”
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, “You’re all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor.”
Q: How can you tell if there’s a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.
Q: How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?
A: He says, “But enough about me… Wanna hear about my plane?”
Q: What’s the difference between a jet engine and a fighter pilot?
A: A jet engine will stop whining when you shut the plane down.
Standing on the deck of HMS Victory, Lord Nelson glanced up at a lookout high in the rigging and called, “Keep a keen eye out for Spanish sail, my lad. For today, I feel like a fight.” Soon, the lookout cried, “Sail ho, off the starboard bow!”
Nelson pointed his spyglass in the direction indicated, and – sure enough – there were two Spanish frigates off the starboard bow. Realizing that his ship was in for a tough fight, Lord Nelson turned to a young officer. “Ensign, fetch my red coat!”
A few minutes later, the Ensign returned with the coat. As he held it out for his Admiral to wear, he said, “Begging your pardon, My Lord, but why do you need your red coat?”
A Petty Officer Second Class, a First Class, and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I can only grant three wishes, so I can give each of you just one.”
“Me first!” says the Petty Officer Second Class. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world.” Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next!” says the First Class. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and a beautiful woman.” Poof! He’s gone too.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief cracks a nasty smile and says, “I want those two idiots back on the ship and turning-to, right after lunch.”
A young Ensign approached a crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
“Well,” replied the Master Chief, “the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. As an Ensign, we give you a gold bar, representing that you are very valuable but also malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the common sailors, hence the eagle. And when you make Admiral, you are obviously a star. Does that answer your question?”
“Yes, Master Chief,” replied the young Ensign. “But what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?”
“That, Sir, goes waaaay back in history – back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we’ve always covered our pricks with leaves.”
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who’d had the tougher career.
“I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “lucky bastard! All shore duty, huh?”