Lord Nelson
Standing on the deck of HMS Victory, Lord Nelson glanced up at a lookout high in the rigging and called, “Keep a keen eye out for Spanish sail, my lad. For today, I feel like a fight.” Soon, the lookout cried, “Sail ho, off the starboard bow!”
Nelson pointed his spyglass in the direction indicated, and - sure enough - there were two Spanish frigates off the starboard bow. Realizing that his ship was in for a tough fight, Lord Nelson turned to a young officer. “Ensign, fetch my red coat!”
A few minutes later, the Ensign returned with the coat. As he held it out for his Admiral to wear, he said, “Begging your pardon, My Lord, but why do you need your red coat?”
The Genie
A Petty Officer Second Class, a First Class, and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I can only grant three wishes, so I can give each of you just one.”
“Me first!” says the Petty Officer Second Class. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world.” Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next!” says the First Class. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and a beautiful woman.” Poof! He’s gone too.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief cracks a nasty smile and says, “I want those two idiots back on the ship and turning-to, right after lunch.”
Officer Insignia
A young Ensign approached a crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
“Well,” replied the Master Chief, “the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. As an Ensign, we give you a gold bar, representing that you are very valuable but also malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the common sailors, hence the eagle. And when you make Admiral, you are obviously a star. Does that answer your question?”
“Yes, Master Chief,” replied the young Ensign. “But what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?”
“That, Sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we’ve always covered our pricks with leaves.”
Shore Duty
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who’d had the tougher career.
“I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “lucky bastard! All shore duty, huh?”
The Five Most Dangerous Things to Hear in the Navy
A Seaman saying, “I learned this in Boot Camp…”
A Petty Officer saying, “Trust me, Sir…”
A Lieutenant JG saying, “Based on my experience…”
A Lieutenant saying, “I was just thinking…”
A Chief chuckling, “Watch this shit…”
OOD Board
An Ensign was sitting his first qualification board for Officer of the Deck at sea. After several hours of watching the young officer answer difficult questions from the members of the board, the ship’s Captain decided to finish off the board by placing the Ensign in a completely hypothetical emergency situation. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard side?” he asked.
Military Rules for Non-Military Personnel
January 25, 2007 by Mike
Filed under Humor, Navy, Traditions
Subject: Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
Navy Pays Sailor $3,400 per Minute
In a recent program the US Navy introduced last spring, some Sailors are being paid as much as $3,400 dollars per minute for their time. In a recent interview with ET3 Marcus Johnes he stated that he completed a task for the Navy, consisting of exactly 13 minutes and 25 seconds of his time. His payment, $45,000 dollars. That translates into about $3,400 bucks a minute.
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How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
January 25, 2007 by Mike
Filed under Humor, Navy, Traditions
For all you Land lovers out there…get a taste of our life
Things to Remember During a War
Cheeves discusses some of the more humorous things to remember during a war.
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